I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
