today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
