Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
