But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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