I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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