I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
