Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
