I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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