i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just gift wrapped bread.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
how do you play pong handcuffed?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
