No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
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You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
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My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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