Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I cut my penus on the lid.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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