I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
