Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
