I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
