Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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