Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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