Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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