Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
