ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
