I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
