Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So much Jack, so little girl.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
