i was born a porn star she said
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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