Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
