Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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