can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
