Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
