it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
