You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
