the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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