I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
