Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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