guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
