grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
