We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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