Jerry, you need to find god
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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