The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
