my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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