On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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