Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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