I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize