i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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