im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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