well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
