i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
