heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
