dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
