If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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