Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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