i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
