i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex on a roof
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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