Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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