Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
sex in a hospital.. check
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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