and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
