my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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