It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
