My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
