complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
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You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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