Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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