I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
