capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Shitshow foam night was such a success
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
