I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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